Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
