things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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