I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
