I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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