My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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