Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
