you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
