if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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