bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
