Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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