Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
