i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
