I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
