so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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