im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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