You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
