I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
