...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
