I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
