Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
