I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
