Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
