Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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