Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
