Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
