i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Quick, to the slutcave!
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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