If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
