one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
