oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Come see our sink grown plant.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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