so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
