stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
