You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
