the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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