I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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