Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
