y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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