At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He? As in you personified your dick?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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