i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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