I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
