I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
