mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
