I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
