I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
