Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
