Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Randomize
