she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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