70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
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