I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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