Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
its liver damage thursday
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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