my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
