The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
