Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
