my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
